This is so beautiful, Kristen. Grief is NOT an inconvenience, I agree. It's here to teach, not torture us. I have found so many similarities with grief work and sobriety. They overlap. Neither is linear. And, to grieve WHILE sober is a superpower like no other.
This right here - "Let me watch you survive this. We all need witnesses. " Ooof. The witnessing is really all one needs. Not bright siding or fixing. Just listen. Stand watch.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and yet I know you must be stronger because of it. I lost my dad in 2020 and everything has been rearranged. You are so right in saying that. Life gets rearranged. Never put back in the same order.
Thank you so much Allison! Isn’t it crazy just how much sobriety and grief overlap? They are similar journeys, letting go while holding on. I’m grateful to have been through this experience sober. I’m sorry you lost your dad, everything is rearranged. Let us be witnesses for each other! I see you, I appreciate you.
Such a beautiful piece Kristen. Thank you for sharing such an intensely intimate part of you. My Dad just turned 80 and is in the early stage of dementia so I know my time is coming and it terrifies me honestly. I can only hope that I have an Ani Marie to be a witness when that time comes.
I watched my Papaw go through dementia, that is such a tough experience. I pray you find the support you need and are able to have moments of peace with your Dad in the process. Lots of love to you Rob xoxo
This is such a beautiful piece, Kristen. I lost my mom in 2021 as well, the same year my daughter was born. This healed a little piece of me, thank you.
I’m sorry to hear about your mom, Rhiannon. We are connected in that grief. How beautiful that you became a mother that same year. My mom also had me very soon after her own mother died and I never understood it all until her passing…it all feels like a beautiful, tragic mystery sometimes.
Thank you for sharing this Kristen - it's so moving and powerful to hear your experience. You're so right that people don't 'get it' until it happens to them. My mum died when I was 14 years old and I felt so alone and un-held in that grief so long (and it was a big reason I used alcohol) and it's strange and jarring to me that it's only now, when people lose their parents as adults, that people sort of realise what I've been living with for so long... And I know that losing our mum at any age is agony.
Andi sounds like an incredible soul. I really relate to what you say about friends who weren't there for you... I had that experience when my dad died when I was 31. I felt pretty angry about people who said they'd be there, but weren't. And I think like you it's softened a bit over time...
Our culture just doesn't know how to be with grief. And yet it is an essential and normal and painful and beautiful and extraordinary part of being human. When we witness each other in that pain, it is so powerful. I have heard grief described as one wing of the bird; the other wing is love.
Love to you Kristen, and love to your beautiful mum xxx
Wow, Ellie. Thank you so much for this beautiful message. You know, my own mom lost her mom when she was very young, not as young as you but around 20 years old and only after she died did I realize what she'd been living through her whole life. It informed so much of who she was, how she loved, what she valued. I see that shift now in me and sometimes I get angry/sad that I wasn't able to better grasp that while she was alive.
It makes a lot of sense to me that you used alcohol to cope with that feeling of being "un-held" in your grief. I'm so sorry you didn't have people wrapping you up like you needed and deserved. I'm sure your heart is ten times bigger than most because of your experience, thank you for sharing it with me. xoxo
Beautiful. I was taught a long time ago that grief is just one of the many shapes love takes, and that it is an ongoing reminder of how fortunate we were to be close to that person.
I wonder if you know about the therapist and author Gina Moffa. After losing her mother she came to specialize in treating people with grief and write a fantastic book about it.
I interviewed her a couple times for my podcast and we became friends. She is the real deal.
East TN gal here- lost my mom a little over a year ago and I still feel like it’s the only channel on in my brain many days. Ironically, her untimely death at the hands of Ballad Health (IYKYK) caused me to spiral into alcohol’s arms and I’ve been working on sobriety (or something close to it) since October of last year. What a strange synchronicity to have stumbled onto your Substack world. What a strange relief to feel seen in this way.
This was beautiful. I lost my grandmother (who I lived with my whole life who was like a mother to me) very suddenly when my first son was 4 weeks old. But the aftermath really showed me who was truly there for me. It's been almost 7 years now, but you never really forget that shock and pain.
This is so beautiful, Kristen. Grief is NOT an inconvenience, I agree. It's here to teach, not torture us. I have found so many similarities with grief work and sobriety. They overlap. Neither is linear. And, to grieve WHILE sober is a superpower like no other.
This right here - "Let me watch you survive this. We all need witnesses. " Ooof. The witnessing is really all one needs. Not bright siding or fixing. Just listen. Stand watch.
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom and yet I know you must be stronger because of it. I lost my dad in 2020 and everything has been rearranged. You are so right in saying that. Life gets rearranged. Never put back in the same order.
Thanks for writing and sharing this.
Thank you so much Allison! Isn’t it crazy just how much sobriety and grief overlap? They are similar journeys, letting go while holding on. I’m grateful to have been through this experience sober. I’m sorry you lost your dad, everything is rearranged. Let us be witnesses for each other! I see you, I appreciate you.
Letting go while holding on. That sums it up!!
Such a beautiful piece Kristen. Thank you for sharing such an intensely intimate part of you. My Dad just turned 80 and is in the early stage of dementia so I know my time is coming and it terrifies me honestly. I can only hope that I have an Ani Marie to be a witness when that time comes.
I watched my Papaw go through dementia, that is such a tough experience. I pray you find the support you need and are able to have moments of peace with your Dad in the process. Lots of love to you Rob xoxo
This is such a beautiful piece, Kristen. I lost my mom in 2021 as well, the same year my daughter was born. This healed a little piece of me, thank you.
I’m sorry to hear about your mom, Rhiannon. We are connected in that grief. How beautiful that you became a mother that same year. My mom also had me very soon after her own mother died and I never understood it all until her passing…it all feels like a beautiful, tragic mystery sometimes.
As a fellow dead mom girl, I relate to every inch of this 💗
I'm sorry you've been initiated into the club but glad you found me. Dead mom girls gotta stick together. Lots of love.
Thank you for sharing this Kristen - it's so moving and powerful to hear your experience. You're so right that people don't 'get it' until it happens to them. My mum died when I was 14 years old and I felt so alone and un-held in that grief so long (and it was a big reason I used alcohol) and it's strange and jarring to me that it's only now, when people lose their parents as adults, that people sort of realise what I've been living with for so long... And I know that losing our mum at any age is agony.
Andi sounds like an incredible soul. I really relate to what you say about friends who weren't there for you... I had that experience when my dad died when I was 31. I felt pretty angry about people who said they'd be there, but weren't. And I think like you it's softened a bit over time...
Our culture just doesn't know how to be with grief. And yet it is an essential and normal and painful and beautiful and extraordinary part of being human. When we witness each other in that pain, it is so powerful. I have heard grief described as one wing of the bird; the other wing is love.
Love to you Kristen, and love to your beautiful mum xxx
Wow, Ellie. Thank you so much for this beautiful message. You know, my own mom lost her mom when she was very young, not as young as you but around 20 years old and only after she died did I realize what she'd been living through her whole life. It informed so much of who she was, how she loved, what she valued. I see that shift now in me and sometimes I get angry/sad that I wasn't able to better grasp that while she was alive.
It makes a lot of sense to me that you used alcohol to cope with that feeling of being "un-held" in your grief. I'm so sorry you didn't have people wrapping you up like you needed and deserved. I'm sure your heart is ten times bigger than most because of your experience, thank you for sharing it with me. xoxo
Such a beautiful testimony, I am so glad I read it
Beautiful. I was taught a long time ago that grief is just one of the many shapes love takes, and that it is an ongoing reminder of how fortunate we were to be close to that person.
I wonder if you know about the therapist and author Gina Moffa. After losing her mother she came to specialize in treating people with grief and write a fantastic book about it.
I interviewed her a couple times for my podcast and we became friends. She is the real deal.
https://ginamoffa.com/
https://open.substack.com/pub/tgentry/p/tom-gentry-the-path-to-authenticity-222-grief-therapist-author-gina-moffa?r=724hg&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false
East TN gal here- lost my mom a little over a year ago and I still feel like it’s the only channel on in my brain many days. Ironically, her untimely death at the hands of Ballad Health (IYKYK) caused me to spiral into alcohol’s arms and I’ve been working on sobriety (or something close to it) since October of last year. What a strange synchronicity to have stumbled onto your Substack world. What a strange relief to feel seen in this way.
Sending you lots of hugs and love.
This was beautiful. I lost my grandmother (who I lived with my whole life who was like a mother to me) very suddenly when my first son was 4 weeks old. But the aftermath really showed me who was truly there for me. It's been almost 7 years now, but you never really forget that shock and pain.
Thank you, Gordon. I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mom too. You put that so perfectly, “back into the maze without a torch.” Onward we go.
I love you!! I’m glad you’re on here! ❤️❤️❤️