I read a book (I think it was Quit Like a Woman?) that made the point that AA is very shame-based, rooted in religion and the patriarchy, and therefore it's no wonder that it doesn't inspire the joyful alternative lifestyle you were looking for. I'm so glad you found it!
Yes, loved Holly’s book too. It was a game changer to be validated in what I was feeling. We are so lucky to live in a time where we are starting to remove the “gate keeping” of sobriety. We all deserve peace and will find it through different methods.
Yeah, I remember learning that the person who started AA which I believe was a woman if I’m not mistaken was a Christian. Did she also claim that it was inspired by God?
The same month you stopped drinking (Feb '20), I had my last drink before checking into a 12-step-based, Native American-focused inpatient treatment center—aka rehab—in San Francisco. (I did a 2.5 year stint of not drinking). I was there for 3.5 months, and soon after learning the language of AA, I let my counselor know I was very interested in NON–12-step programs, and he let me search. I found SMART Recovery and already knew about Ben’s Friends (which is awesome—for food and beverage folks who struggle with the sauce and the substances). I know I didn’t want to impound negative labels into my head and body, and I definitely didn’t believe there was only one way of getting sober. I saw in the next sober living house I was in for six months that all 28 people there had a different story, reason, and experience with alcohol and drugs. Some were totally OK with non alcoholic beer, and most I would definitely not recommend non alcoholic beer to. I’m glad I learned the way of AA and even led weekly meetings, but I know it wasn’t the one for me.
I love that all of these options exist and if we allow people the space to go and find what works for them they usually do! I appreciate the nuance in these conversations and would never assume to know the way everyone will find success in sobriety.
I will read more thoroughly soon, but allow me to comment now as well — I wholeheartedly agree. I believe it’s a wonderful resource for those it *does* help because there are meetings in just about every country, and on every Internet connection. But back when I struggled with these same feelings of it not working for me, there were no voices talking about this very thing. It was 2011, and the blogosphere didn’t really exist — let alone social media. I felt completely isolated. And that’s what led me to starting The Sobriety Collective in 2015, which helped change my LIFE by opening my WORLD. The rest is history!
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Laura! I can’t imagine 2011 and navigating these feelings of “what else is there?” But you created it! We are all better off because you didn’t settle for what was available. ❤️
I think the dogma structure of AA isn't as important as understanding it's a village, a network thing, that gets most addicts that solace they're looking for. The web. Interconnectedness.
AA was a life saver for me. Did I like it? No Did I speak against the patriarchy, religion, and antiquated language ? YES. Did I shop around for meeting that felt like a better fit? YES. The price, availability, and proven success spoke volumes to me. I was too broken and absent of hope. I support and endorse any approach that works at not taking a drink. The interior work must be dealt with for a happier life. We are not one size fits all. I applaud your success and support helping others.
I’m so glad you found your healing there! When we allow room for personal agency and nuance, people find that interior strength. It’s fascinating to me how differently our individual brains are incentivized!!
Subscribed when I read “I didn’t feel addicted, I felt self-hatred.” Wow that hit me. Still struggling, but my experience is closer to yours. You put to words what I never knew I felt. I’ve had long periods of sobriety, it’s not hard to not drink. But I drink when I feel the hatred come back in. Working on it. Thank you.
Thank you, Andrew, for subscribing and for sharing how it's been for you. Our stories are all different but for me I had so much bottled up, things I metabolized as shame, that I didn't realize I was just participating in a socially acceptable form of self-harm. I think the booze fuels that darkness, it did for me. Glad you're here. Shoot me an email anytime!
I think this is such an important message to share. I grew up with alcoholic parents who used 12 steps and AA to get sober. AA and the disease model was the only thing I knew. So lo and behold when I got to my 20s and 30s and struggled, I stayed struggling because AA was not MY answer. 2020 I had an epiphany of “hey, I can do this MY way” and got sober with yoga, energy healing, meditation and reconnection with my soul. I celebrate 5 years next month. ☺️🎉
Wonderful message here. Love the acknowledgment and openness about AA. Any program advertising itself as “the way” is not all that different from a religion. There are many paths to health.
Understood. And you’re right that it’s important to read the source materials. In my experience, messaging and support from members can narrow when individuals believe that is the only way they would’ve gotten clean.
"It’s time to see who you are without all the additives" This sentence gave me full pause. That's what it was in me, too. I needed to strip it all down. And make it about ME, not the so-called disease. I'm in my 5th year of sobriety and I am STILL stripping it all down. I'm learning it was never about the alcohol. It was about showing up when the world is in full throttle and I don't reactively reach for the bottle. AND, how f'n incredible it can be showing up to life with eyes wide open.
Thanks for writing this. I recently looked closer at the tenets of AA - because I'm an endless seeker and you describe so well the freedom that really CAN be found in sobriety. Nothing that fits in a box. No formula.
Absolutely, Allison. I think what it comes down to is language—those of us who are particular about the language we use and believe in how much weight words and labels carry just need permission to create our own without being told it’s dangerous. Cheers to strippin it down until the end of time!
I actually found it suggested I could blame my negative actions on a disease which was something I feel personally could have kept me stuck in a victim mindset (because I lived there for years). So, it’s really about how individuals are best motivated and empowered to take accountability.
AA does not say its a disease! They say its an allergy, but primarily focused on the mind, and that you need to discuss resentment, fear, guilt over the harms you caused others and shame over your sex conduct and making amends for all that to get better. The word disease is not in the big book once.
So much change and so many ways to stop drinking, just having AA as the only paradigm for an AF life kept me drinking for years. The guilt and shame and constant thought that drinking too much made me diseased and lots of other horrible things, who wants that? Enjoyed this read. Glad there are options. Naked Mind was one helpful book among many for me. So glad the world is changing and young people especially are seeing the value in life without drinking alcohol.
Fear and shame should never be the only option. I think the disease model is beyond outdated, we need a spectrum and new language. People heal when they are told it’s possible.
I read a book (I think it was Quit Like a Woman?) that made the point that AA is very shame-based, rooted in religion and the patriarchy, and therefore it's no wonder that it doesn't inspire the joyful alternative lifestyle you were looking for. I'm so glad you found it!
Yes, loved Holly’s book too. It was a game changer to be validated in what I was feeling. We are so lucky to live in a time where we are starting to remove the “gate keeping” of sobriety. We all deserve peace and will find it through different methods.
Yeah, I remember learning that the person who started AA which I believe was a woman if I’m not mistaken was a Christian. Did she also claim that it was inspired by God?
You're thinking perhaps of Prohibition? AA was founded by two men.
From my understanding they actually took the idea from a woman…I may be mistaken. I will try to find something on it.
The same month you stopped drinking (Feb '20), I had my last drink before checking into a 12-step-based, Native American-focused inpatient treatment center—aka rehab—in San Francisco. (I did a 2.5 year stint of not drinking). I was there for 3.5 months, and soon after learning the language of AA, I let my counselor know I was very interested in NON–12-step programs, and he let me search. I found SMART Recovery and already knew about Ben’s Friends (which is awesome—for food and beverage folks who struggle with the sauce and the substances). I know I didn’t want to impound negative labels into my head and body, and I definitely didn’t believe there was only one way of getting sober. I saw in the next sober living house I was in for six months that all 28 people there had a different story, reason, and experience with alcohol and drugs. Some were totally OK with non alcoholic beer, and most I would definitely not recommend non alcoholic beer to. I’m glad I learned the way of AA and even led weekly meetings, but I know it wasn’t the one for me.
I love that all of these options exist and if we allow people the space to go and find what works for them they usually do! I appreciate the nuance in these conversations and would never assume to know the way everyone will find success in sobriety.
What ever keeps the bottle out of the hand, is a win. Tapping into an unlimited source of power, is a game changer.
I agree!
I will read more thoroughly soon, but allow me to comment now as well — I wholeheartedly agree. I believe it’s a wonderful resource for those it *does* help because there are meetings in just about every country, and on every Internet connection. But back when I struggled with these same feelings of it not working for me, there were no voices talking about this very thing. It was 2011, and the blogosphere didn’t really exist — let alone social media. I felt completely isolated. And that’s what led me to starting The Sobriety Collective in 2015, which helped change my LIFE by opening my WORLD. The rest is history!
Thanks for taking the time to comment, Laura! I can’t imagine 2011 and navigating these feelings of “what else is there?” But you created it! We are all better off because you didn’t settle for what was available. ❤️
I loved this so much.
Thank you, Melissa!
I think the dogma structure of AA isn't as important as understanding it's a village, a network thing, that gets most addicts that solace they're looking for. The web. Interconnectedness.
I agree that the success probably lies community and now there are other ways to find it in sobriety which I think is a good thing.
AA was a life saver for me. Did I like it? No Did I speak against the patriarchy, religion, and antiquated language ? YES. Did I shop around for meeting that felt like a better fit? YES. The price, availability, and proven success spoke volumes to me. I was too broken and absent of hope. I support and endorse any approach that works at not taking a drink. The interior work must be dealt with for a happier life. We are not one size fits all. I applaud your success and support helping others.
I’m so glad you found your healing there! When we allow room for personal agency and nuance, people find that interior strength. It’s fascinating to me how differently our individual brains are incentivized!!
Take what you can and leave the rest.
Subscribed when I read “I didn’t feel addicted, I felt self-hatred.” Wow that hit me. Still struggling, but my experience is closer to yours. You put to words what I never knew I felt. I’ve had long periods of sobriety, it’s not hard to not drink. But I drink when I feel the hatred come back in. Working on it. Thank you.
Thank you, Andrew, for subscribing and for sharing how it's been for you. Our stories are all different but for me I had so much bottled up, things I metabolized as shame, that I didn't realize I was just participating in a socially acceptable form of self-harm. I think the booze fuels that darkness, it did for me. Glad you're here. Shoot me an email anytime!
I think this is such an important message to share. I grew up with alcoholic parents who used 12 steps and AA to get sober. AA and the disease model was the only thing I knew. So lo and behold when I got to my 20s and 30s and struggled, I stayed struggling because AA was not MY answer. 2020 I had an epiphany of “hey, I can do this MY way” and got sober with yoga, energy healing, meditation and reconnection with my soul. I celebrate 5 years next month. ☺️🎉
Wonderful message here. Love the acknowledgment and openness about AA. Any program advertising itself as “the way” is not all that different from a religion. There are many paths to health.
AA emphatically does not say it is the "only way" to sobriety. In fact, it says in its big book that "we don't have a monopoly on recovery".
Understood. And you’re right that it’s important to read the source materials. In my experience, messaging and support from members can narrow when individuals believe that is the only way they would’ve gotten clean.
I hear that.
"It’s time to see who you are without all the additives" This sentence gave me full pause. That's what it was in me, too. I needed to strip it all down. And make it about ME, not the so-called disease. I'm in my 5th year of sobriety and I am STILL stripping it all down. I'm learning it was never about the alcohol. It was about showing up when the world is in full throttle and I don't reactively reach for the bottle. AND, how f'n incredible it can be showing up to life with eyes wide open.
Thanks for writing this. I recently looked closer at the tenets of AA - because I'm an endless seeker and you describe so well the freedom that really CAN be found in sobriety. Nothing that fits in a box. No formula.
Absolutely, Allison. I think what it comes down to is language—those of us who are particular about the language we use and believe in how much weight words and labels carry just need permission to create our own without being told it’s dangerous. Cheers to strippin it down until the end of time!
You sound a lot like Holly Whitaker.
She’s been a huge inspiration to me. Her work helped me find my way in early sobriety 🙏🏻
AA calls for a lot of personal accountability. Very out of fashion.
I actually found it suggested I could blame my negative actions on a disease which was something I feel personally could have kept me stuck in a victim mindset (because I lived there for years). So, it’s really about how individuals are best motivated and empowered to take accountability.
AA does not say its a disease! They say its an allergy, but primarily focused on the mind, and that you need to discuss resentment, fear, guilt over the harms you caused others and shame over your sex conduct and making amends for all that to get better. The word disease is not in the big book once.
So much change and so many ways to stop drinking, just having AA as the only paradigm for an AF life kept me drinking for years. The guilt and shame and constant thought that drinking too much made me diseased and lots of other horrible things, who wants that? Enjoyed this read. Glad there are options. Naked Mind was one helpful book among many for me. So glad the world is changing and young people especially are seeing the value in life without drinking alcohol.
Fear and shame should never be the only option. I think the disease model is beyond outdated, we need a spectrum and new language. People heal when they are told it’s possible.
Preach Kristen...